Thursday, August 26, 2010

Part 6

Ah, another new year. Will it unveil its mysteries in a positive manner ? Shall we advance towards new found joy and enlightenment on each of our paths, or will we be found asking ourselves the same burning question postulated by the great Dorothy Parker, "What fresh Hell is this" ? Only time will tell. I personally have resolved to spend this portion of my borrowed time as a wanton hedonist drinking greedily those of life's nectars still allowed me, filling my bladder, as it were, to piss on any and all elements that would discourage me from this loftiest of goals.

Now, where to begin ? I write these little tidbits more as a mental lark than an attempt at meaningful discourse. I'm flattered when one of you takes the time to actually read them, and if there is a modicum of praise given for one of them I am truly grateful. However having said that it would seem the only things that seem to solicit any criticism or praise are those of a base sexual nature. No doubt I could comment on the scathing insults contained in Shakespeare's masterful works, or relate anecdotes of no small amusement regarding famed Hollywood stars and starlets that have come to my attention over the years, and receive nothing....But if I ask, "What looks like running nose and smells like Comet cleanser"? it elicits an immediate response. Is that all it takes? Is this really what amuses you beyond all other things ? If that truly is the case, here goes:

- Frosting turds

- Clam jam
- Slime socket
- Tongue enema
- Genetic hair conditioner
- Vomit inducing clam hammer
- A weapon isn't a weapon until it has blood on it (re: menses)
- Pretentious Cocksucker (re: mensa)
- Hot Mexican lunch
- tonguing the cock noggin
- German sundae
- Dong sling (athletic supporter)
- Drinking from the fat, white straw
- Fish fist
- Tunneling for mud bunnies
- Semen flatus
- Dick elixir
- Phlegm as a lubricant
- Two in the pink, one in the stink (or any variation thereof)
- Albino pleasure piss
- dirtpipe spelunking
- cock jockey
- cum junkie
- tonsil swabbing torpedo
- prostate noogie
- marinating the brisket (Chefs love this one)
- Siphoning sea monkeys

There you go. That should not only tide you over for awhile, but provide you with colorful water cooler chat to regale your peers with, and prompt your significant other to wonder if there is even an iota of romance to be chanced upon in your withered soul.

A Special Announcement, Or An Announcement At The Very Least:

I thought I might try something new this year by introducing two new segments to this blog. The first is a mock personals column, I want you to submit the funniest personal ad your mind can muster to be published here. There will be some sort of prize for the best received, which I shall determine at a later date. In the second I will dare tread where only the likes of Dr. Ruthie have gone before. I want you to send me any question that springs to mind about sex or relationships, for an advice column if you will. One must exercise the humor muscles regularly lest they atrophy like an accountant's cock, and this will allow me to give mine a most vigorous workout. So humor me and I will humor you, and until next time I wish you all a very Swayze January !!!

One of my most loyal readers, he is absolutely crazed for clam !!!

-James Saito