Thursday, December 23, 2010

Part 23

This instalment is a hodgepodge of things that have been swirling through my brain today. My friends Keith Newson and Christy Collins are going to be married in eight days, and I get the honour of emceeing the event. For doing this Keith gave me a hell of a surprise this morning. It can be found at Yes Keith set me up my very own website for these essays. I am, needless to say, thrilled ! Thank you Lovebirds ! Check it out. In the coming weeks it will be going through development, we’ll be adding some brief biographical stuff, as well as my recommendations for humorous authors, movies, websites, porno, and puppet shows. And yes there is sure to be something to offend just about everyone. Even as I write this the ideas are forming… bad movie reviews, celebrity bashing. All of this is in preparation for publication. Yes, one way or another in 2011 you can be holding my book in your grubby little paws. 
I have always wanted to, in my lifetime, have a book I’d written sitting on my shelf. With the demise of the actual printed book closer than many of us are comfortable with, it seems prudent to move my ass. Why a book you may ask. Well it certainly isn’t for the writer pussy. Not that I’m at all interested, but have you seen the women at a book signing recently? No I have a dream of someday doing a book signing of my own in a place like North Hill Mall at a Coles Bookstore. Not Barnes and Noble, Indigo, or Chapters – the weak sister Coles. I want to be sitting there at my little table as embarrassed looking people walk by me refusing to make eye contact like I’m a guy holding a shitty garage sale. It’s a small dream, but I think it’s doable. 

Moving along, for your edification I present a snippet of a recent actual conversation:

“I downloaded some piss videos the other day, they were disappointing”.
“How so”?
“The women weren’t much to look at”.
“Hmm, no one wants to watch an ugly woman take a piss”.
“They weren’t very erotic either”.
“Why was that”?
“A woman would piss on the floor then make another one lick it up”.
“Ah a domination video, I don’t care for them either, after all we’re not sick”.

I also got to thinking that it will be a while until the bio section of the blog spot is operational, so what follows is a reprint of some notes I did on Facebook some time ago. They’re those ones that circulate that have questions that you answer so that your friends can gain a more penetrating insight into your inner workings. So here's a chance for you to get to know me better. There are 5 parts, and I’m sure they will be new to most of you. Some answers may seem a bit dated as they were completed over a two year period. I have only done slight editing, if some answers seem redundant, it is on purpose - I really do hate Nickelback that much !!! Please enjoy:

Stuff about me- 25 things, or you were curious and I was bored.

1. I want to, and I mean this seriously, wear Jessica Simpson's face, and gambol about in a thundershower.

2. I have never mentally undressed a woman who was ugly, retarded, or a conjoined twin. All other women are fair game.

3. I love animals more than most people. Animals don't have a hidden agenda, and whether they like or dislike you it is entirely genuine. Almost every animal I come in contact with likes me, and is very affectionate towards me, people not so much.

4. A person can be any age, race, sexual orientation, and if I am given sufficient cause we can spend time getting to know one another. The stupid and the ignorant, and especially those who bask in them, I will not piss on if they are on fire.

5. I never knew love before, then came Sue, then came Sue ooh ooh,I never knew love before, then came Suuuuuuuuue, then came Sue.

6. I have always wanted to ejaculate explosively during oral while reading an excellent book, enjoying a piece of delicious pizza in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

7. I wish people would stop minding other peoples business, instead of protesting outside abortion clinics do something inobtrusive to get teenage hookers off the street, or get drugs away from children.

8. Besides intelligence the traits I most admire in individuals are kindness and compassion. They most strikingly define us as human.

9. I spend 99 percent of my time in perpetual anger. The me that people see is the facade that I have adopted and have almost perfected over the years, my veneer of civilization. I find it absolutely appalling that more people don't seethe at the world they inhabit.

10. I couldn't care less about the accumulation of wealth, though it is preferable to the accumulation of debt.

11. I have my share of fetishes, the only one though I would disclose here would be a foot fetish.

12. I hate clowns !!!

13. I am circumcised, and am left handed.

14.If I have a hard decision to make I ask myself, "What would Jim Kirk do" ?

15. Before I die I am going to pretend that I have Tourette Syndrome while dealing with a traffic cop, or inside a courtroom.

16. I do not wonder where we come from or who made the universe. I do not care if there is a God or not. I do not believe that "we had to come from somewhere". These questions are not of the least importance to me, and knowing the answer would not alter the way I live my life. My normal response to people discussing these things is "why is it so important to know, and would knowing the answer alter the way you lived your life? If it does then live your life based on the answer that would please you the most."

People far far far smarter than I have asked this question for thousands of years and are no closer than a child is to the answer.
My friend La Haine wrote that, and I simply can't sum my feelings on the subject up more succinctly or eloquently than that.

17. For about the last six months or so there has been an unidentified flying object outside my home in a largely stationary position (adjusted of course for our travel around the Sun). I have filmed it, reported it, shown it to passersby on the street, and had City TV try to film it. No one seems to give a shit. I have watched it move, seen objects fly in and out of it through ordinary binoculars, still no one gives a shit. There are numerous reports of the same object on the Alberta UFO Study Group website, and a film just like mine of the same object on Youtube:, and no one seems to give a shit.

18. I either make people laugh or offend them with my sense of humor. I truly believe absolutely nothing is sacred, and as much as I enjoy making people laugh, I secretly enjoy making the judgmental uncomfortable much, much more.

19. I am a man of many contradictions, and yet I'm not.

20. One day the evil spawn from Susan and I's unholy coupling will RULE THE WORLD !!!!

21. When I was young I used to enjoy the defiling of innocents, now that I'm older I just like to watch.

22. I feel I was born 200 years too early or too late. I believe my destiny was/is to command a ship whether it be a British Frigate or a Starship. 

23. I distrust people who smile too much, or too readily disclose vast amounts of information about themselves when you meet them.

24. I can't think of a more romantic setting than lying in bed with Sue, and taking turns reading to each other.

25. Most people don't know when I'm joking and when I'm not.



What is your salad dressing of choice?


What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?


What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of?


What are your pizza toppings of choice?

pepperoni, bacon, and mushroom.


How many television sets are in your house?


What color cell phone do you have?

metallic blue with a Seattle Seahawks logo.


Have you ever had anything removed from your body?

Just teeth.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?

Yes, but I did it to myself.


If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?


If you could change your name, what would you change it to?

Dick Gozinya.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?

Not at my age, 10 years ago I would have done it for kicks.


Last time you had a run-in with the cops?

I see cops almost everyday due to my work.

Last person you talked to?


Last person you hugged!



Favorite Season?

Football Season.

Favorite Holiday?

The Ascension Of Balthazar always makes me smile.

Favorite Day of the week?

Sunday (Football).


Any when there is no snow.


Missing someone?



Hornier than a two peckered owl.

What are you listening to?

The racket the hooker in my trunk is making.

Worrying about?

The neighbors.


First place you went to this morning?

The terlet.

What's the last movie you saw?

"Weapons Of Ass Destruction".

Do you smile often?



1)Do you always answer your phone?


2) It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?

Someone who is spending their last night on the planet.

3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?

Puce, vermillion, or magenta.

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?


5) Do you own a digital camera?


6) Have you ever had a pet fish?


7) Favorite Christmas song?

Mr. Hanky The Christmas Poo.

8) What's on your wish list for your birthday?

A speculum.

9) Can you do push ups?


10) Can you do a chin up?


11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?


12) Do you have any saved texts?

I hate the very concept of texting, and avoid it whenever possible.

13) Ever been in a car wreck?


14) Do you have an accent?

I only don one when I'm making fun of someone.

15) What is the last song that made you cry?

Anything by Nickelback.

16) Plans tonight?

Downloading some Muppet scat.

17) Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?

Not yet.......but the night's young.

18) Name 3 things you bought in the last week.

A glass eye, a snuggie, and a Sham wow.

19) Have you ever been given roses?


20) Current worry?

I found two suspicious lumps in my scrotum.

21) Current hate right now?

Stupidity and political correctness.

22) Met someone who changed your life?

My hepatologist.

23) How did you bring in the New Year?

Spanking a load into Ryan's Caesar salad.

24) What song represents you?

"LGBNAF", go ahead google it.

25) Name three people who might complete this?

Bruce Dern, the Frito Bandito, and Topo Gigio.

26) What were you doing 12 AM last night ?

Attempting auto fellatio at Tim Hortons.

27) What's the best thing that happened to you lately?

Spanking a load into Ryan's Caesar salad.

28) If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?

Between Sue's legs.

29) What book are you reading right now?

"Drink, Play, Fuck" by Andrew Gottlieb.

ABC's About Me

A - AVAILABLE: For Parties and Bar mitzvahs

B - BIRTHDAY: May 2nd
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Urine, oh, those guys !!!
F - FAVORITE SONG: Misty Mountain Hop
H - HOMETOWN: Lethbridge, Alberta
I - IN LOVE WITH: Sue (Pookie)
J - JUGGLE: Finances
K - KILLED SOMEONE: Everyday in my head
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Toronto to Vancouver
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: It used to be 1, now it’s 5, maybe more knowing my Dad.
O - ONE WISH: Endless wishes.
R - REASON TO SMILE: That I still wake up everyday
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: “Peg” by Steely Dan
U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: brown, don’t ask
V - VEGETABLE(S): It was Karen Ann Quinlan, then it was Terry Schivo, now I find it hard to pick just one they're all so cute ! ;)
W - WORST HABIT: The one I got at Wal-mart, should have gone to Gap For Nuns
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: Chest, leg, hands, foot
Y - YOYOS ARE: worth a lot in scrabble.

Random Questions About You

Your favorite number: 33
What color do you wear most?: Blue, I’m an Autumn complexion
Least favorite color?: Electric puce
What are you listening to?: The Sound Of Silence, not the song, just silence.
Are you happy with your life right now?: I am reasonably content, I don’t believe in happiness per se.
What is your favorite class in school?: Lower, middle.
Who is your best friend: Sue, Andy, Max
When do you start back at school/college? In my next glorious incarnation.
Are you outgoing?: Yes, gotta go to work
Favorite pair of shoes?: Basket Masters
Can you dance?: Yes, I’m great at the “White Man Overbite”.
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth?: Never tried, there are better things to use my tongue for.
Can you whistle?: Yes
Write with both hands?: Nope
Cross your eyes?: Yes
Walk with your toes curled?: My toe curling iron broke


Do you believe there is life on other planets?: Absolutely
Do you believe in miracles?: No. Incredible good fortune, yes.
Do you believe in magic?: In the bedroom
Love at first sight?: Depends what you see first, ha!
Do you believe in Satan?: This would presuppose a belief in God.
Do you believe in Santa?: No
Do you know how to swim?: Yes
Do you like roller coasters?: Above all other rides !
Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows?: Sure, I’ve been married twice.


Have you ever been on a plane?: No, but I’ve flown in them
Have you ever asked someone out?: Yes
Have you ever been asked out by someone? Yes
Have you ever been to the ocean?: Yes
Have you ever painted your nails? Yes, black


What radio station do you listen to?: CJAY92 or Q107
What was the last restaurant you ate at?: A casino buffet, Damn your eyes Father !!!
What was the last thing you bought?: The Star Trek soundtrack
What was the last thing on TV you watched?: Californication


Who was the last person you IM'd?: I prefer actual contact
Who was the last person you said I love you to?: Sue


Ever really cried your heart out?: Yes
Ever cried yourself to sleep?: No
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: No
Ever cried over the opposite sex? Yes
Do you cry when you get an injury?: I cry out to the Gods, raging at their unjustness !
Do certain songs make you cry?: Anything by Nickelback


Are you a happy person?: Happiness is fleeting, contentment though is achievable
What is your current hair color?: Dark Brown/Grey


What are you wearing?: Spock ears, Billy Bob teeth, and a cock ring
Pants: none
Shoes?: Birkenstocks, I’m all about the pussy
Necklaces?: A Keith Partridge style choker
Underwear: Those of a man !!!


Favorite eye color: Who cares ? I'm not really interested in boy/girls.
Short or long hair: Long
Height: Taller


Been to jail: Not long term
Mooned someone: Yes, with turkey neck
Thought about suicide: Not my own
Laughed so hard you cried: Of course
Thrown up in a store: I come close every time I’m in Wal-Mart
Wanted to be a model: Yeah, an easy to paint one, not too many pieces
Done something really stupid that you still laugh about: Ask Susan
Seen a dead body: Yes
Been on drugs: Yes, I can't remember how many times.
Gone skinny dipping: Yes
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
McDonald's or Burger King: Harvey’s
Single or Group Dates: Single
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate, I'm all about the brown
Strawberries or Blueberries: Bluberries
Meat or Veggies: Meat
TV or Movie: Both, but quality (Unless I'm riffing)
Guitar or Drums: Guitar (Les Paul)
Chinese or Mexican: Chinese aren’t as lazy, but Mexicans work cheaper.
Cheerios or Corn Flakes: Bran Flakes, I take the Shatner challenge very seriously.

33 Things About Me

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?

A dental dam, I always practice safe oral.

2. Where was your profile picture taken?

A brothel in Utah.

3. Can you play Guitar Hero?

About as well as Ringo Starr can drum.

4. Name someone who made you laugh today?

That brainless harpy Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

5. How late did you stay up last night and why?

3:00 AM or so, the voices in my head.

6. If you could move somewhere else, would you?

I am moving to Kelowna...eventually.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?

Yes on V Day, oh wait that was a movie I saw.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?

I live in Calgary, nothing is close.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends?

All my exes are friends with each other however they detest me.

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?

The man performs a damn good abortion at a fair price, wait did you mean the soft drink?

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?

When Nickelback won a Grammy.

12. Who took your profile picture?

A Private Dick.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?


14. Was yesterday better than today?

Nope, today I'm having 1 cent ribs.

15. Can you live a day without TV?

Of course, I just DVR what I miss.

16. Are you upset about anything?

That pesky Kanye, he should have face raped Taylor Swift and finished the job.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?

Mine is, I can't speak to others.

18. Are you a bad influence?

The worst.

19. Night out or night in?

I like a night of in and out.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?

Cigarettes, my piece of blue velvet, my picture of Hubert Cumberdale, and my Shatner mask.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?

My Aunt Elsie.

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?

"Congratulations, Ed McMahon is dead".

23. How do you feel about your life right now?

Bellicose yet indifferent.

24. Do you hate anyone right now?

Chad Kroeger.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find?

Uh, messages........

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?

"You were given a drug test right now, would you pass" ? Now what ?

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?

Of course.

28. What song is stuck in your head?

It's usually "Winchester Cathedral" or "Billy Don't Be A Hero" (the Mr. T cover).

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?

The Poop Fairy, so I can get rid of this stinking pile under my pillow.

30. Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?

I already do, two that I know of.

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

Wax the testes.

32. Do you think too much or too little?

Fuck off, I'm thinking.

33. Do you smile a lot?

Much less frequently than a child is killed by an alligator.

I think I'm the only one who still does these things...

Any names your parents were thinking about that you would prefer?

I think I probably should have been called Boo Boo, so James is just fine.

If you had to pick one outfit that you currently own to wear for the rest of your life, what would it consist of?

A jock strap, gum boots, Billy Bob teeth, and a hatchet.

What do you think is going to happen after you die?

My friends will get shit faced at my wake.

Do you have any special talents ?

cunnilingus and puppetry

What TV show have you seen every episode of?

Too many to mention, I'm a total geek.

What movie can you quote every line to?

"Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan", and I know all the male dialogue from "Something Liquid This Way Comes 6".

What bands have you seen in concert?

Every one I've ever wanted to see except..............

What bands would you like to see in concert?

Led Zeppelin.

If you had the money to retire anywhere in the world, where would you go ?

An isolated Island with satellite and internet access, where I could have provisions flown in.

Are you outgoing or introverted ?

Outgoing, if I appear introverted it's because you bore the shit out of me.

Is there a piece of jewelry or something similar that if you lost, you would feel naked?

Does my Hannah Montana tiara count ?

What is one thing [appearance-wise or other] you would change about yourself?

I'd like to be more aggressive and self assertive. Trying to type with straight face.

What's the last dream you remember?

The one where I'm being chased by a clown with an erection, Boop Boop Boop !

One thing you would change about your best friend?

He'd be alive.

Everyone remembers their first birthday party that involved friends. Describe yours.

I was a virtual puppet master, bending and shaping attendees to my will, allowing cake to only the most obedient.

Favorite Smell ?

Vag, but not unhealthy fat girl who's been doing drugs and not showering vag.

What do you think is the perfect age and why?

30, as one is still limber and fit, and has a modicum of wisdom and experience to accent it.

If you could go back in time and change your first kiss, would you?

Yeah, I'd kiss her somewhere else.

How many times have you said “I love you” to someone of the opposite sex [romantically] and meant it?

Too often, and not often enough.

How many times have you said it and not meant it?

Does when you're cumming count ?

Do you exercise ?

Sometimes, when I'm not smoking

Which member of your family has the biggest influence on your life?

My Aunt.

What color are your socks ?

Flesh colored so no one knows I'm wearing them.

Favorite Hobby:

Whittling antique automobiles out of human bone.

Ever miss being a little kid?:

Only if I know what I know now. Just imagine a 5 year old running around wanting to eat some ass.

Which is your favorite comic book movie [The Hulk, Spiderman, Ironman, etc]?

Spider-man (not including the miserable 3).

What's Your Sign?:

Stop and Yield are good, but my fave is "Although Not Expressly Forbidden Cello Playing Annoys The Bears".

What do you think this phrase means: “I am drearily bloodletting this bedwetting cosmonaut”?

Like me the author is obviously well experienced and jaded when it comes to bleeding out incontinent Soviet adventurers.

If you could go back in time and relive one memory – relive it, not change it – what memory would it be?

It depends on my mood, and changes from day to day.

How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?


Who taught you?

My Father.

When you go to the movies, do you like to get candy or popcorn?


Most visited webpage:

Causes You Believe In

Keeping Church and State seperate, freedom of choice in all things

Describe the first real party you ever went to [i.e. first party with alcohol].

It was at the Atchison's house circa 1973, we drank shitmix. (All the alcohol you could steal mixed together in a mason jar). We drank and listened to Foghat and Starz.

Did you like high school ? Why or why not ?

I was hardly ever there, being on the road with whatever band I was working for. Still managed to come back and get decent marks on tests. Oh yeah, you could smoke in the classroom, that was bonus.

Name something you CANNOT wait for:

The Rapture, just kidding, the next Star Trek film.

Do you have ONE best friend, who stands out among all the others, that’s been there for you seemingly forever?

Nothing lasts forever.

If not, do you prefer having just a group of good friends, or would you like to have that one best friend?

A group of good friends is just fine.

Do you prefer the sound of electric, acoustic, or steel guitar?

Electric, and as loud as fuck.

Have you ever read the Bible – even just a little part of it?

I have read all the "Holy" texts, the one that makes the most sense is still The Satanic Bible.

Have you ever read the Koran?

See above.

Are you a bully? O_o:

Why ? Do you want the shit beat out of you ? O_o

What's one new thing you'd like to try?:

That shit David Carradine was doing, but without the whole dying thing.

What was the best pet you’ve ever had?

The one I have now, my Maxwell.

Out of all the states you’ve visited/lived in, which is your favorite?

Manic depression, it at least has an upside.

Do you enjoy jigsaw puzzles ?

Yeah, cause I steal a piece from every one I see.

If you were allowed one murder without punishment, would you do it?

Certainly, but it's so hard to narrow it down to just one.

Where do you keep your wallet when you’re out and about?

Back pocket.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Not personally, but I have experienced paranormal phenomena.

How about seen things happen that you think were caused by a ghost?

Yes, see above.

Did you have Beanie Babies as a kid?

I'm of the slinky generation.

Do you like making kids cry ?

I don't like it per se, it's simply something that I must do.

Do you prefer stripes or polka dots?

I prefer not to prefer either.

What’s the best Christmas present you ever received?

It's a toss up between soap on a rope, or a tie.

Which of your birthdays was the most memorable?

The ones that I can't remember.

Name one song you can play on an instrument – any instrument.

"Detroit Rock City" on guitar, and "Highway Star" on the pan flute.

Who taught you to play that song?

Mushroom Bob.

Out of all the teachers you’ve had, who had the biggest influence on you?

Carolyn Cunningham.

Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle?


How about a moped?

Not a chance in Hell !!!

Do you like parties ?

Yeah, it's the fucking people I can't stand

When you were little, what was your favorite Disney movie?

"The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes".

What’s your favorite Disney movie now ?


If your house was on fire, what's the first thing you'd grab ?

My cock, I'm a pyromaniac.

On the opposite sex, do you prefer muscles, average size, or scrawny bodies?

I like my women morbidly obese with unshapely cankles, punishing body odor, and a pronounced limp.

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received from a significant other?

I can't say here.

What’s your favorite kind of chips?

Lots of poker chips.

How do you want to die ?

Painfully, at the hands of a lunatic.

What really makes you laugh ?

Drowning the Queen off the coast of Argentine.

When I'm sad or down I........

put on some makeup, and pull the wig down from the shelf.

What do you do in your spare time ?

If I'm not filling out one of these questionnaires, I'm wishing I was.

What do you fear ?

Spiders, and a new CD from "Peaches And Herb".

That you know of, do you have any famous ancestors?

I am descended from Samurai, don't know if any of them were particularly famous.

Did you ever beg your parents for a pony?

Only one time when this cute little Mexican girl moved in down the street........

Would you rather be blind or deaf?

Couldn't live with either.

Is there someone you’ve been enemies with since you were little, and it’s never changed despite growing up and becoming more mature?

Jody Thomas. If you're reading this know that I still intend to smite you, you fucking cunt !!!!!!!!

What laundry soap do you think smells the best?

What a waste of olfactory senses.

Have you ever moved ?

No, I am completely sessile.

Are you hooked on anything ?


If you could change one thing, it would be ?

"Deadwood" would still be on HBO.

Do you prefer Spongebob or Patrick?

The straight one, oh wait....

If you’re currently dating someone, would you be ready to elope with them right now if they asked?

Nope, we don't believe in marriage.

Who do you think is the hottest actor/actress in Hollywood right now?

Naomi Watts.

Do you watch The Office?

No, I've seen funnier, weirder shit in actual work places. It suffices.

What’s the stupidest TV show on the air right now?

Is "According To Jim" still on the air ? Almost any reality show, they escalate the dumbing down of our society.

Have you ever written a song or a poem?

No, but I've composed a few salty limericks by gum !

Last but not least, type some funny or inspiring lyrics as a closing: 

"I'm never going to dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythm".


"I see you standin' there 

You think you're so cool 
Why don't you just 
Fuck off " !!!

-James Saito

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