Thursday, September 30, 2010

Part 11

Some truths are plainly self evident. "Lindsay Lohan's uterus has been punched by more fists than George Chuvalo's face" is a perfect example. Another which is plain to me is that life is more fun when you have a few drinks under your belt. As I write this it is day 2 of year 2 of my alcohol free existence. Such an anniversary, how do people celebrate such events ? Oh, that's right, with a few drinks. FUCK !!!! Enough pointless musing. I was looking through some old papers the other day as I am wont to do, and what did I find ? A short piece I wrote about eighteen years ago, the gist of which is true. A little background first, around that time I worked for a large retail chain, and had a Scottish friend who was a loss prevention officer. He became sexually involved with a new girl that was hired. Their subsequent coupling provided me with endless amusement, and thank the powers that be, no offspring. It was written hastily, and mostly to piss the gentleman in question off. I thought I would share it with you, only the name has been changed as to not embarrass the guilty.

Naked Came I, A Philip Macleod Novel

Chapter 1

Philip Macleod, private investigator, had stumbled upon a new case. He stood by the famed pillar 19 of the large retail outlet that was his domain to protect, engaged in that most cunning maneuver practiced in his profession. He stood, statue still, behind an ironing board observing an elderly woman placing common household cleaning products into a large bag. The ironing board, of course, had small holes placed in it during its manufacture to allow the dissipation of excess heat. Ironically these very holes became a weapon in the hands of one such as Macleod, as they allowed him to observe unimpeded those who would transgress, while allowing the "wooly dick" to retain adequate concealment.

It was right at the point when a bottle of "Lime Away" hit the bag that Macleod caught sight of something infinitely more intriguing than petty theft. Out of the corner of his eye he spied a buxom young woman who, judging by her name tag and general lack of insight upon her countenance, could only be a Woolco employee. "Shoplifters are a cowardly lot", Macleod mused, "but this one will return to steal once more". Thus employing his innate understanding of the behavior of common criminals, the burly detective placed a cigarette in his mouth, and set out to force his charms on the uncommonly common seductress.

Chapter 2

Many things became evident quickly to Macleod's trained eye. Judging by the amount of actual hair growth the girl was of Italian descent. Her pubic patch itself being coarse and untrimmed caused Macleod to muse upon, if only briefly, the current state of hygienics. Always something of a lay philosopher he attempted to postulate as to the origin of such a copious amount of cellulite on one so young, but it was at this point his inner desires threw reason to the wind, "I will have her", he thought. Thus, with no regard for propriety or moral infringement, he dropped his pants to his ankles. Ignoring her pleas for foreplay, the brazen nemesis of shoplifters everywhere violated her not quite moist inner sanctum brutally. "Such conquests are child's play when one has little regard for the opposite sex, and no moral standards to speak of", thought Macleod, thrusting his hips with no small amount of zeal. He rested the full amount of his weight on the girls stomach, and reached underneath to place a finger in her anus, while at the same time reflecting that this young thing would not see the likes of him again anytime soon.

"RRRRRGH", cried the loss prevention officer as he tossed a million be-kilted spermatozoa into the object, arrogantly presuming she was protected against unwanted pregnancy. With a small grunt he rolled off. toweled off, and began to dress in order to resume his life without entanglement.
As he drove his faithful '75 Valiant back to the store, Macleod afforded himself a wry grin. "I have proved my worth as a man, now it's time to prove that I am a true dick". Such were Philip Macleod's inner thoughts as he sped towards that land where the innocent have nothing to fear, and the guilty have nothing but fear.

The End


Other Philip Macleod novels available:

"The Scarlet Bedsheet"
"The Scarlet Lobster Bib"
"The Scarlet Shoplifter"
"The Scarlet Black Mambo"

-James Saito

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