Thursday, August 19, 2010

Part 5

Odds And Ends For The Year End

Prognostication: I thought I might try something different and new for me. I seem to be having more than my share of what I shall call “gifted insight” of late, so here I will fearlessly make predictions for the year 2009. In doing so I will not choose the path of least resistance, and state things like, “Will Ferrell will be a totally unfunny asshole, who by years end will make a monumentally unfunny film appealing only to the most cretinous of the masses”, or “Paris Hilton will make headlines by being a cum succubus”, or “The Toronto Maple Leafs will not contend for the Stanley Cup”. One could be as deaf and dumb as Anne Frank* and perceive such drivel. So now without further adieu witness these revelations and tremble….

-Quentin Tarantino’s “Inglorious Bastards” will tank at the Box Office just as badly as “Grindhouse” however Sly Stallone’s “The Expendables” finishes in the year’s Top 10

-If you own a lot of stock I would give strong consideration to selling them. It is, after all, better to take a small loss now than a large one later. Nuff said.

-Here’s the boldest of them all, but we’ll have to wait a little while to see if I’m right. When the ancient calendars of the Maya, Inca, Tiahuanacan, etc. cease on December 21, 2012, it signals not the end of things, but rather a whole new beginning. During the interval until then expect the powers that be to begin easing us into a transition.

Yet Another Thing In A Series Of Things That Piss Me Off Grievously:

This is a topic that has been touched on many times in many different venues, Hank Moody recently rallied against it on “Californication”. I refer to the further degradation of our Mother tongue by the increasing and despicable use of internet abbreviations. People seem maddeningly oblivious to the fact that every time they type LOL they perpetuate a redundancy as vile as the laugh track on a sitcom. When I am speaking or writing something funny it is under the perhaps na├»ve assumption that the listener or reader is not a sad, humorless bastard. A funny thing is funny entirely independent of whether the listener or reader finds it to be so. The joke itself doesn’t give a shit if you are laughing out loud, and frankly neither do I. Many people have taken the exact stance that I have, but so far no one has offered any viable means of combating this linguistic travesty….until now. The next time you are chatting with someone and are inundated by lol, wtf, omfg, or any other “gem” in the lexicon of the Special Olympics of grammar strike back by creating confusion. Create your own acronym or “cyoa”, see it’s easy, simply use whatever’s on your mind. This will make the offender feel inadequate because they are not hip (highly intelligent personally) to the latest in text fuckery. Here are some examples:

Iimcotyminstteodpaba = It is my considered opinion that your Mother is no stranger to the embraces of domestic pets and barnyard animals.

Wiitsriwbhpntsyfho = Were I in the same room I would be hard pressed not to saw your fucking head off.

Not only will be vengeance be sweet, but it will be interesting sociologically to see just how long it takes for the acronym to actually be put to use.

Some Final Thoughts:

What blog would be complete without a few memorable quotes ?

“For five years Mr. T disappeared. Fools went unpitied”

- Mr. T on his bout with cancer

“I have bubbles in my tummy. It’s just air. It’s not stink. Promise”.

-Jessica Simpson on farts

‘Talent hits a target no one else can hit; genius hits a target no one else can see”.

-Arthur Schopenhauer

“Those who do not read are no better off than those who cannot.”


* You’ve got to love Randal Graves

"Let me put it another way, USE YOUR FUCKING WORDS" !!!

-James Saito

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